Introducing (my alter ego) Gus McCrae and Lonesome Dove!! (quotes from my favorite all time movie) . . .
[Gus refuses to have his leg amputated knowing he will die if he doesn’t]
Woodrow Call: What do you want legs for anyway? You don’t like to do nothing but sit on the porch and drink whiskey!
Gus McCrae: I like to kick a pig every once in a while. How would I do that?
Gus McCrae: I know it, and you know it. Darn, you’re stubborn! No wonder women don’t like you. Reach in that drawer there, find me something to write on. I want to leave a couple notes to Lori and Clara.
Woodrow Call: [hands Gus paper and pen] You want me to do anything about those Indians that shot you?
Gus McCrae: We got no call to be vengeful, they didn’t invite us here.
Gus McCrae: [writing] It’s a dangerous business, writing to two women at the same time. I’m so light-headed I can hardly remember which one’s which. Now this one, this one’s for Lori. And this one here, my God…
Woodrow Call: You want me to help you with that?
Gus McCrae: What would you know to say to a woman?
[falls asleep writing]
Woodrow Call: [places hand on Gus’s chest] Augustus.
Gus McCrae: [Looks up] My God, Woodrow. It has been quite a party, ain’t it?
Woodrow Call: Yes, sir.
Pea Eye Parker: [Indians have attacked Gus & Pea, on a scouting expedition, wounding both] They’re gonna try sneakin’ up on us in the dark, ain’t they Gus?
Gus McCrae: be takin’ a chance if they do, couple of sharp-shooters like us
Pea Eye Parker: I ain’t no sharp-shooter. I usually miss if I ain’t got time to take careful aim
Gus McCrae: ‘y god but it’s depressin’ to talk to you, Pea
Pea Eye Parker: What Indians is it we’re fightin’ anyway?
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: They didn’t introduce themselves.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: Hope you didn’t throw my leg away. I may wanna make a walkin’ stick out of the bone.
Woodrow F. Call: [Gus staggers out of a whorehouse drunk] I wonder if the Comanche realize how easy it would be to kill you at a time like this.
Gus McCrae: There ain’t no Comanche left, Woodrow. That’s the prime reason I’ve been getting drunk lately. The fact that you’ve refrained only underlines your lack of sensitivity.
Gus McCrae: I’d like to high tail it back to Austin and see Clara.
Woodrow F. Call: I’d like to sneak into Buffalo Hump’s camp and kill him. That’s my thinkin’. We’ll have to fihgt ’em sooner or later anyway.
Gus McCrae: You know, that’s the difference between you and me, Woodrow. I mostly think about love, you mostly think about war.
Gus McCrae: There is no remedy for mortality.
Gus McCrae: Only way to get better food around here is by shooting Bolivar. And another thing, Bol, I want you to quit whackin’ that dinner bell for supper. You can hit it at noon if you want to, but lay off doin’ it in the evenin’. See, a man with any sense at all can tell when it’s sundown, without you whackin’ that bell.
Bolivar: General Robert E. Lee freed the slaves. I can whack it if I want to.
Gus McCrae: It was Abe Lincoln that freed the slaves, Bol, not General Lee.
Pea Eye Parker: He didn’t free Mexicans, anyway, Bol. It was Americans he freed.
Gus McCrae: You’re in over your head, Pea. It was a bunch of Africans Abe Lincoln freed. No more American than Call here.
Woodrow Call: I’m American! By God!
Gus McCrae: You was born in Scotland, as I recall. You was still draggin’ on the tit when they brought you over here.
Woodrow Call: I reckon I’m as American as anyone from Tennessee.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: [riding into San Antonio seeing hundreds of people] There’s durn people makin’ towns everywhere. And it’s our fault, too.
Woodrow F. Call: Our fault?
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: Well, we chased out the Indians, didn’t we? Hung all the good bandits. Did it ever occur to you that everything we done was a mistake? You and me done our work too well, Woodrow. Hell, we killed off all the people that made this country interesting to begin with, didn’t we?
Woodrow F. Call: You’re lucky they didn’t throw you in jail.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: Well, it ain’t much of a crime whackin’ a surly bartender. I guess they may have forgot us though.
Woodrow F. Call: Why wouldn’t they forget us? We haven’t been around here in years.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: No, the reason is we never got killed, that’s why they forgot us.
Woodrow F. Call: That is a dang foolish thing to say.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: No it ain’t. If a thousand Comanches had cornered us in a gutter somewhere and wiped us out, like the Sioux just done Custer, why they’d remember us sure. Hell, they’d be writin’ songs about us for a hundred years.
Woodrow F. Call: Now there weren’t ever a thousand Comanches in the whole world, and you know it.
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: Well that ain’t the point, Woodrow!
Augustus ‘Gus’ McCrae: If you want only one thing too much, it’s likely to turn out a disappointment. Now the only healthy way to live, as I see it, is to learn to like all the little every day things.
Gus McCrae: “It ain’t dying I’m talking about, it’s living. I doubt it matters where you die, but it matters where you live.”
[referring to the Hat Creek Cattle Company sign]
Woodrow Call: …and if that ain’t bad enough you got all them Greek words on there, too.
Gus McCrae: I told you, Woodrow, a long time ago it ain’t Greek, it’s Latin.
Woodrow Call: Well what does it say in Latin?
[Gus blusters some gibberish]
Woodrow Call: For all you know it invites people to rob us.
Gus McCrae: Well the first man comes along that can read Latin is welcome to rob us, far as I’m concerned. I’d like a chance t’ shoot at a educated man once in my life.
Woodrow Call: [after burying Gus by the stream in Texas] Well, Gus; there you go. I guess this will teach me to be more careful about what I promise people in the future.
Woodrow Call: [after handing the gun to Newt] It is better to have that and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
Woodrow Call: [after beating a man nearly to death for hitting Newt he climbs on his horse and looks at the horrified towns people] I hate rude behavior in a man. I won’t tolerate it.
Gus McCrae: Here’s to the sunny slopes of long ago.
Gus McCrae: Lorie darlin’, life in San Francisco, you see, is still just life. If you want any one thing too badly, it’s likely to turn out to be a disappointment. The only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk, or a feisty gentleman like myself.
Woodrow Call: You ever get tired o’ loafin’ I reckon you can get a job waitin’ on tables.
Gus McCrae: Oh, I had a job waitin’ tables once. S’ on a riverboat. I wasn’t no older than Newt, there, but I hadda give it up.
Newt: How come?
Gus McCrae: Well I was, too young and pretty and the whores wouldn’t let me alone.
Gus McCrae: I’m just tryin’ to keep everything in balance, Woodrow. You do more work than you got to, so it’s my obligation to do less.
Gus McCrae: Well, I’m glad I ain’t scared to be lazy.
[while July Johnson helped Gus McCrae attack the bandits’ camp, July’s friends were murdered by Blue Duck]
July Johnson: It was my fault! Hell, you told me to stay.
Gus McCrae: I know I did, son. And I’m sure you wished you had. But yesterday’s gone, we can’t get it back. Now you go on with your digging.
Woodrow Call: [Call thinks Gus has died] Augustus.
Gus McCrae: [opens his eyes] By God, Woodrow; it’s been one hell of a party.
Woodrow Call: Well, Augustus is dead. Died from blood poisonin’ from them arrows them Indians shot in him. They cut off one of his legs, but the poison got in the other and he wouldn’t let ’em cut it off. Stubborn about it; that’s what killed him, bein’ stubborn.
Gus McCrae: Is that all you boys can think about; gettin’ to Ogallala and spendin’ your money on whores?
Jasper Fant: That’s all right for you, Gus; you got Lorena with you. What about the rest of us?
Gus McCrae: What’s good for me might not be good for the weak minded.
Newt: Gus, are you sure the Captain is my father?
Gus McCrae: Yep, he is.
Newt: He ain’t never mentioned it.
Gus McCrae: Well, Woodrow ain’t much of a mentioner.
Jake Spoon: A man that will talk to a pig ain’t no better than a farmer.
Gus McCrae: I expected you to own a bank or at least a whorehouse by now Jake. It seems life has been a disappointment to both of us.
Jake Spoon: That might be so, but by God, I ain’t never said a word to a pig.
Gus McCrae: It’s an accident she is even on this trip.
Clara Allen: I never noticed you having accidents with ugly girls.